Positive Side Effects

It’s occurred to me more than once since the advent of this brainy chance that it’s actually kind of odd (and possibly even illogical, based purely on the laws of chance) that all the medications and chemotions and invisible death rays I’ve been subjected to don’t have any positive side effects.  I mean, why not?  If side effects are for all intents and purposes random (i.e. not planned by the makers of aforementioned brain-additives), then wouldn’t it make just as much sense for radiation to cause the growth of flowing golden Disney princess locks as it would for it to make your hair fall out?

On some alternate planet, purple human beings (green and blue being spoken for by cliché and Avatar, respectively) gather around to celebrate when somebody gets cancer, because “Oh hooray!  Wait’ll you see all the awesome fireworks that are gonna start shooting out of your ears when you ingest those glowing cancer curing horse pills!”

But here on planet This One, you never see this fine print…

Side effects may include:

  • A constant and overwhelmingly pleasant sense of well-being;
  • $452,000 being deposited into your checking account;
  • The ability to speak passable 17th century French, Portuguese and Russian;
  • An erection lasting more than 4 hours

Oh wait, that last one is negative.  And apparently real.

But anyway, this whole idea keeps popping up in my head because I could swear–I COULD SWEAR–that every time I take my anti-seizure medication, I’m suddenly in a good mood about 20 minutes later.  Not in a crazy holy-shit-I’m-on-ecstasy-your-hair-feels-so-amazing good mood, just a regular old fashioned, extremely natural-feeling good mood.  Like, “Hey, shit’s alright… I’m havin’ a good day!”

KEPPRA {levetiracetam} Side effects may include:

  • mild dizziness or drowsiness;
  • loss of appetite
  • Havin’ a good day!

Wouldn’t that be nice?  Why isn’t the world like THAT?

Well maybe it is actually.  Speaking of loss of appetite, another of the awesome (possible) side effects I’ve been experiencing is “Less of a desire to be a great big fat person who injects chocolate cake into his mouth with a compression hose 24 hours a day.”  In other words, I don’t eat as much anymore.  I eat when I’m hungry, and that’s about it.  And since I’ve been exercising, as a result my weight is right where I like it to be and I feel (in that respect at least) totally good.

So that’s worth writin’ home about!  (“So that’s worth postin’ to my blog about!”)

Oh and yeah, while we’re on the subject, there are a few other positive side effects that I should probably inject here.  Right at the end.  The fine print.  (Please read the following in that very light, breathy announcer guy’s voice they use at the end of all the pharmaceutical commercials:)

BRAIN CANCER (glioblastoma} Side effects may include:

  • A heightened awareness of the value and indispensability of friendship;
  • A strong desire to live every fucking day to its fullest;
  • The ability to one-up any story ever;
  • Better, richer relationships with your relatives and loved ones;
  • An even greater appetite for smelling roses;
  • Some of your life goals and greatest dreams coming true.

I mean it ain’t ALL wine and roses, this BrainChance thing, but it has its upside(s).

And that’s something.

3 thoughts on “Positive Side Effects

  1. Tonight I sat and read all of your posts like a book. And I would just like to comment on this one and say that I actually started reading the last paragraph in the breathy end-of-commercial voice.

    P.S. You are amazing

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