Writing and Writing in the Widening Gyre

Writing is the only thing I want to be doing… except all the pointless distractions that I invent to prevent myself from getting in the chair.

Even once in the chair, there I go writing something like this instead of what I should be writing.  (What should be writing?)  Or checking my email or bank statement.  Or the score of the Sixers game.
Shit I wanted to check the score of the Sixers game.

~~~~

I want to feel like an active participant in life again.

The main stumbling block is that I’d set the bar pretty high before, so it wouldn’t do just to “get back to work” or “build something” or “have a family.”  It wouldn’t do to be doing anything less than a multitude of wonderfully exciting things, to keep my insatiable curiosity mostly if not completely satiated.  Or wouldn’t it?  Wouldn’t it do?  What exactly would do?

The point is I feel that the (still functioning) intellectual portion of my brain is missing more things than it’s absorbing.  That missing-to-absorbing rate wasn’t even satisfactory before, but now it’s far less so.  Luckily, I went through an intense period where it was OK to reduce focus onto the insane here and now:  The Wild and Unpredictable and Ceaselessly Entertaining Trip of Getting and Fighting Brain Cancer.  It was OK during that period to not know how the Sixers were doing, or to be reading the books that I’ve been wanting to read, or seeing the movies I’ve been wanting to see.  I was busy not dying, and my brain didn’t work too good.

But now that The Wild and Unpredictable and Ceaselessly Entertaining Trip of Getting and Fighting Brain Cancer has settled down a bit (for the time being), I feel my focus wanting to shift back to the larger world beyond me.  Beyond my cancer.  Beyond cancer.  And I’m excited that I’m able to do so (for the time being), but having already been frustrated with my limited ability to absorb the world before “the accident” (Ooo I like calling it that, I’m going to call it that now.  I’ve never been able to turn that heavy & intriguing phrase, but have always admired it.  “Oh, that was before the accident.”  Or “the incident” {“accident” is better}), I’m no less disappointed (quite a bit more so in fact) in my even more limited current capacity to learn as much as possible and do something with what I’ve learned.  There simply isn’t enough time— and here I’ve got a hole in my brain, which you think would be good for storing things but turns out it’s bad— and there’s too much awesome stuff out there and where do I begin.

But I’m just bitching.  Now that is pointless (not entirely).  It is a distraction though.

Hey:

You can’t know everything.

You can’t have everything.

You can’t control everything.

You can only point yourself in a direction, put one foot in front of the other, and enjoy what comes to you and what you make of it.

Here I go.

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PS: When I began this blog, I said something about how I’d never wanted to write a blog because they always seem so self-indulgent.  With this post, I fear I have officially crossed that line into Official Self Indulgency.  I am, for some reason, publishing my personal diary/journal on the Internet, and by this act adding to the Great and Insurmountable Global Heap of Probably Useless Information that I’ll never be able to get through.

Well I may not have read everything… but, if anything, at least I’ve read this blog.

I forget most of it already though.

~~~~

Here I really go.
To write something I hopefully will remember.

(Or, even better, that someone else will.)

3 thoughts on “Writing and Writing in the Widening Gyre

  1. I don’t find your writing useless or pointless. I enjoy your writing but wish of course, it was under different circumstances that I discovered your writing. It started off purely for investment reasons. Now it is more the humanity. Keep it up. Note-the verbiage “accident” as opposed to “incident” caused me to ponder which one.

    • Thanks Len! I appreciate the kind words.
      Although I am curious how you came across this blog “for investment reasons”?
      Are you an investor in brain tumors? If so, I’ve got some cells to sell.
      The beauty is– they just keep multiplying!
      You could double your investment in 3 weeks, and be dead in 4!

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