To miss, to miss nothing

I’d forgotten what it was like to miss someone, because I’d trained myself during the course of my first love (which was both very long, and very long-distance) to become numb to that emotion.  I either couldn’t handle that enduring and painful yearning, and blocked out my ability to feel it, or I just became so used to it that it no longer mattered in any context.  To miss someone or something became so normal for me that I completely forgot about it, even when that relationship ended.  It’s been years since I’ve deeply missed anything.

It wasn’t until recently, with all this pondering of life and death and living and leaving, that I can understand again what it would be like to really miss someone.

I can already see myself missing my father, whichever of us is the one to go first.  And not just at the age he is now, but at every age we ever were together.  I’ll miss all of those him’s, and all of those him and I’s together.  I can feel now what that will be like.

And it gives me happiness to know that this sensation, that missing, is built entirely on love.  It’s a longing born from beauty, and where it exists that beauty and the love upon which it was built still exists, and always will exist.  Not flickering, but strong, and forever.

And now I realize why I haven’t been missing anything this whole time.  Because I’ve been paying attention to it.  And it’s still there.  And it always will be.

ObamaCares Part 2: I’m Covered, and So Are You

Breathing any kind of sigh of relief has extra meaning for me these days, and this morning I got to let out a very important and very relieving sigh.

Thanks to the Afforable Care Act (and to my mom, who did the applications for me), I just got my new health insurance through the Covered California insurance exchange.

Not only was it a piece of cake to shop for and compare plans, but the plan I wound up getting is perfectly affordable. Like, unbelievably affordable. Having brain cancer and all, it would have been impossible for me to even shop for health insurance 2-3 years ago. I would have been laughed off the phone, then sent a “Good Luck!” postcard with somebody giving me the middle finger.

Because President Obama cares, however, I now have my very own fancy new health insurance plan through Blue Cross / Blue Shield. All my current doctors, hospitals and tests are covered, and so as of January 1st I will seamlessly transition from my old insurance (also supplied by the ACA) to this fancy new plan. Hooray for government and private enterprise working together!

So as I sigh this Great Sigh of Relief, I send a warm and sincere thank you to President Obama and everyone in Washington and Sacramento, who cared enough to make all of this happen. You’re all official Brain Guardians now.

It’s nice to feel protected by your country in a way that has nothing to do with guns. Which reminds me of something I wrote a year and a half ago (wow, have I stretched this chance out that long?), when the Supreme Court upheld the Affordable Care Act…

“To hell with cynicism about government, about politics, about the left or the right or the top or the bottom.  To hell with cynicism forever.  Brain cancer to cynicism!  If we don’t believe we can do anything good, if all we focus on is the fact that we’re arguing and divided and that it’s all gone to shit and we’ll never be able to fix it, then what good is going to come of us?”

This morning, I find myself feeling extremely uncynical.

And it feels really good.