My Fourth Grand Opening!

{NOTE: JUMP TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST IF YOU’RE ONLY INTERESTED IN THE TECHNICAL DETAILS OF MY UPCOMING BRAIN SURGERY, INCLUDING TIMES, CLINICAL TRIAL INFO, ETC., AND NOT IN THE FACT THAT I’M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING NO HUMAN BEING HAS EVER DONE BEFORE.  BECAUSE IT’S ACTUALLY KIND OF STUPID.}

grand opening

This Thursday, early on the morning of June 18th, 2015, I am going to celebrate my FOURTH GRAND OPENING by doing something I have never done before!

It’s not brain surgery.

It’s not even running to brain surgery.

Well, it’s not JUST those two things.  Because I AM doing both of those things on Thursday morning.  But I’ve done both of those things before.

No, this time, because I am an absolute moron, I will not only be getting up at 5AM to go running, to the hospital, for brain surgery, but I will ALSO (with the help of some wonderful and talented and professional and dedicated friends who don’t have cancer-addled brains and actually know what they’re doing with their lives and somehow have not yet told me I’m a moron and should just stop)… I mean, WE will also… be shooting a film.   Of me.  Running.  To brain surgery.

And that’s something I’ve never done before!  (I don’t think anyone has done that before, actually.  And while that is totally not why I’m doing this, that is also kind of a reason to do something, isn’t it?)

Now why would I do this, you ask, beyond the fact that it’s hard to find something to do that somebody hasn’t already done before?  This is a good question.  It’s the same question I’ve been asking myself every few seconds since I conceived of this idea and convinced a bunch of people to invest their time and energy and creativity into helping me pull off such a ridiculous stunt.

Honestly, here’s why I’m doing it: because it is a ridiculous stunt.

I’m not normally one for ridiculous stunts– I tend to play it safe, even in cooking– but I’m smart enough to have realized that there’s nothing better for getting people’s attention in this annoyingly noisy modern world of ours than by executing ridiculous (or inspiring, or hilarious, or ill-conceived, or dangerous — you pick the adjective once the thing is over) stunts.

So I am doing this to get people’s attention.  (Not yours, I already have your attention.  So thank you for that.)

As you may have heard, I am making a movie that cures cancer.  And it’s (sort of) a musical.

Things are going really well with the movie — I’m working with some wonderful people on it every day, and it’s really beginning to take shape.  It’s going to happen.

But to make a movie (that’s sort of a musical) that cures cancer, I have learned that you need two very important things:

1) A bunch of people to say “yes.”

2) A bunch of money.

Now, I hate asking people to say yes, and I hate asking people for money even more.

But I believe very deeply in this Cancerful movie of mine, and so I am running to the hospital on Thursday– and making a super awesome little movie out of it– in the hopes that it will inspire people:  to say yes, and to write checks.

And then I don’t have to do any of the hard work. 😉

Now I’m sure me running to brain surgery and filming it and putting it on the Internet will also wind up inspiring a few other  people out there with brain cancer, and this does make me happy.  Because I have brain cancer, and when you have brain cancer and you see anybody doing anything other than drooling or dying, you tend to get a little excited.  But this is more of a secondary goal.

The goal is making a movie that cures cancer.

If there is a reason I have lived this long, it is to do that.

(It’s certainly not to see the Eagles win a Super Bowl, because that one appears as elusive as a cure for brain cancer.  But I do remain hopeful!)

So here I go…!

You’ll be hearing more from me after Thursday.  Unless I get hit by a bus.

*****************

HERE ARE ALL THE PERTINENT SURGERY DETAILS, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T CARE ABOUT THE STUNTINESS ABOVE (AND YOU SHOULDN’T, UNLESS YOU’RE IN A POSITION TO SAY YES OR WRITE A CHECK, OR YOU JUST GOT BRAIN CANCER AND NEED PROOF THAT THERE IS MORE TO BRAIN CANCERFUL LIFE THAN DROOLING AND DYING.  BECAUSE THERE IS.  BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE AN IDIOT.)

SURGERY #4: “MY FOURTH GRAND OPENING!”

WHEN:  Thursday, June 18th.
– Nut gets cracked open at about 10AM, PST.  (That’s 1AM in Kuala Lumpur)
– 
I should be awake 4-6 hours later, say 4PM PST (That’s 7PM in Boca Raton)
– I will be spending 2 nights in the hospital, so I’ll probably be checking out on Saturday morning (that’s Sunday, in Hong Kong.)

IF YOU’D LIKE TO VISIT ME OR SAY HI OR SEND ME BASKETS OF PUPPIES DURING OR AFTER SURGERY:  I would absolutely love all of that.  I like making a party out of brain surgery.  But it will probably be difficult for me to communicate (especially during surgery), so my sister Jen is going to be the contact person starting Thursday.  If you don’t have her info but would like it, just give me a shout before Thursday and I’ll put you in touch.

WHERE:  Surgery will be at Cedars Sinai Medical Center, in Los Angeles.
You know, my favorite local brain surgery spot.

WHY:  Because I’ve got another little spot of brain cancer in my head, and the best way to get it out is to physically cut a hole in my skull and have a person remove it.

HOW:  How? I don’t know, I’m not a brain surgeon.  But I do know that the new tumor growth is pretty small, and it is in a  very safe and accessible spot (relatively speaking– this is the brain, of course, not my knee).  So we fully expect that the surgery will be quick and easy (again, relatively.  This is brain surgery.)  And we fully expect that I’ll wake up every bit the 65 year-old Romanian drag queen I am right now.  In other words, I’ll be fine.  Not just fine– SPECTACULAR!

And here’s the best part:  Aside from running to brain surgery and filming it, I will actually be doing A SECOND THING ON THURSDAY THAT NO HUMAN BEING HAS EVER DONE BEFORE!  But this one is just because I’m lucky, not because I am an attention-starved idiot and/or trying to cure cancer.   And here’s what it is: THE CLINICAL TRIAL!  I will definitely be getting the clinical trial.  But since this post is already getting long, I’m going to write about it separately.  Click here for more info on me getting a head cold, on purpose.

 

(If you read all this, thanks for your patience.  Even if I get hit by a bus on Thursday, feel free to say yes to making a movie that cures cancer.  And to writing a check to the Cancerful Foundation to help make it happen.  Don’t make me haunt you and ask for money from beyond the grave.)

 

10 thoughts on “My Fourth Grand Opening!

  1. Incidentally, because I know these questions are coming, and when it comes to brain surgery jokes you’re gonna have to get up REALLY early in the morning to beat me to the punch:
    1) YES, I do get a punch card, and a free brain surgery when I get to 5.
    2) NO, I am not running home from the hospital. I’m getting a Zamboni ride. Because that’s what you get for free with your 4th brain surgery.

  2. Prayers from Oklahoma. I don’t know you but my brother had GBM so there is a part of me that feels like I know you! I wish you the best and I know that surgery will go well as you are at a wonderful hospital. Blessings Roxanne

  3. Best of luck to you, Chad! “The fourth time’s the charm.” I was hoping you’d be riding a white horse to your surgery this time, but I’m anxious to see the run online (can Dr. “Who” at least ride to the surgery on a white horse?).

    I’ll be checking in with your mother on your progress. Can’t wait to see the musical and movie (which, of course, will have a fabulously happy ending).

  4. Hey Chad, will be thinking of you! May I post information in facebook, to help get the word out about making donations?

  5. Chad – you are truly one of a kind! Your positivity absolutely radiates off the words you write, in fact I can not read your blog without smiling. Not only do you inspire me, an uncancerful person (don’t hold that against me!) but you inspire the countless others who are canceful that I recommend to your blog. I wish you all the best and please, keep writing. It keeps your canceful brain sharp and inspires all of us who struggle with cancerful and uncancerful lives. All best wishes, hopes and lots of prayers friend.

  6. Pingback: Who Am I To Stop It – If you’re ready to laugh about brain cancer

  7. Pingback: An Uncommon Two Months | the BrainChancery

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