Some more info on my upcoming Fourth Grand Opening:
I mentioned a few weeks ago when we discovered that my cancer is back that I might be able to get into a brand new clinical trial for GBM. It took some hard work on the part of my doctors and the staff at Cedars Sinai to get everything ready in time for my surgery, but the good news is, it’s happening!
I will, definitely, be getting this trial therapy. I am already signed up, I’ve passed all my physicals, and since this is a Phase 1 trial there are no placebos. So I will be the first human patient with brain cancer to ever get this stuff. So that is great. I’m going to get a genetically modified cold virus injected into my head, to see if it can help cure my brain cancer.
Now, nobody has ever gotten this stuff before, so it also might turn me into a zombie. But my doctors doubt it. We just don’t know yet. That’s why it’s called a trial.
The trial has a really boring name with lots of letters and numbers that don’t make any sense, so for our purposes here, we’re going to call it “THE UNCOMMON COLD.” Because it involves the cold virus. Get it? That’s a joke. And here’s another one:
SIDE EFFECTS OF “THE UNCOMMON COLD” MAY INCLUDE:
• Runny nose
• Curing brain cancer
Actually, since I’m the first patient ever in this trial (Patient #1! Or “Patient Zero,” in the event that it turns me into a zombie), we don’t really know what the side effects are going to be. But previous research shows that it probably won’t do much at all, other than possibly help my brain cancer go away. Maybe temporarily, and maybe for good. We will see!
Here are some of the details, as far as I understand them:
(I’m not a brain surgeon, I just have lots of brain surgeries performed on me…)
– During my brain surgery, doctors will use a wee tiny needle to inject a wee tiny bit of genetically modified Adenovirus into my brain, right onto the site of where they just removed the cancerous tumor cells that have been growing back.
– Adenovirus is the virus that causes the common cold. But this isn’t your run-of-the-mill Adenovirus. This virus has been genetically modified to (in theory) help my immune system fight the cancer cells in my brain. I say “in theory” because, again, this is a trial. We’ll see if it works or not.
– What this modified virus is designed to do is release proteins that will signal my immune system to come in and fight whatever bad stuff happens to be there. In this case, the bad stuff is brain cancer.
See, normally your brain doesn’t have much immune activity going on, since your brain doesn’t normally get infections. It’s sealed up in a nice clean bag, so it usually doesn’t cause much trouble. This becomes a problem when you get brain cancer, which in my case started INSIDE my brain, since it’s made out of brain cells. So by introducing this virus and its super-protein-signal-producing capabilities, we’re kind of tricking my immune system to visit the Cancerful area of my brain, and the idea is that once it arrives it will notice the brain cancer, and start munching away at it. So that’s the idea.
BUT HERE’S THE REALLY COOL PART (or at least, another cool part):
– This Adenovirus is not only modified to produce extra signaling proteins, it is also modified to not duplicate. So there’s no risk of me getting a really, really serious head cold. (That was another bad cold joke, in case you missed it.)
– AND NOT ONLY THAT! It is also modified to only produce its proteins when it is activated. And the way we activate it is by me swallowing a pill!
– So they’ll inject the virus into my brain, and it will just sit there and not do anything. And then, over the next few days, I’ll start taking these pills called “Veledimex” (if you had any doubt, at this point it is clear that we’re living in the future.) Once the Veledimex hits my blood stream and gets into my brain, it will signal to the Adenovirus to start making its proteins!
– By taking more or less of these pills, we can actually control how much of the proteins the modified virus will make.
– This is some seriously futuristic shit.
Now, there is another new clinical trial starting up that involves SCORPION VENOM, but I won’t be getting that one, since I’m getting this one. I can’t hog all the cool futuristic trials for myself. Well I would if I could, but they won’t let me. No, I’m kidding. I’m very very happy with the Extremely Uncommon Head Cold (EUHC) that I am about to receive on Thursday.
What a Cancerful life!