I just found something that I had written in my journal that I (of course) barely remember writing, but luckily I had marked the page with a sticky and a big message saying “BLOG THIS!”
See, there it is, resting on Dutch’s head (which is also resting):
And who am I to ignore such an insistent note to myself, so I read it, and it turns out I agreed with myself, and so here I am about to BLOG THIS—–>
(How about that: a free post, out of the blue, out of my head, and out of the past!)
And here it is:
September 16th, 2015. 1PM. For some reason I've been in a really good mood all day. Unassisted by any pills, booze, or news. Which is odd since I'm at the hospital right now to determine what (if anything) to do about this new SPINAL SITCH. I'm not particularly (at all) nervous about it, but yet I do have absolutely no idea (I have some idea) what will be different for me 1 hour from now. It could be horrible. But I'm used that. Three and a half years of that. No need to start fretting now. Maybe I feel this way because I've made some decisions in my gut, and my heart, and combined/separated this new spinal twist from the path that I was-- AND STILL AM-- on. (This is important: I'm not leaving the path. I feel that deep down, and it feels good.) I had a great meeting with one my board members this morning, I feel clear and awake, MY HEAD STOPPED LEAKING! (after dripping so much at dinner last night that I looked like I was sweating and the entire top of my shirt was completely soaked). I Had a good chat with another board member later, thought of a great plan to do a Cancerful Road Trip to hand out Cancer Cards, and bring Cancerful people to places that can cure cancer for a moment, and usually an entire day, like National Parks. Or museums. Or just places with a lot of garden roses. (Those always work). So I've got that to look forward to! A Cancerful CureTrip! But I swear I was in this good mood before that wonderfully Cancerful idea occurred to me. IS IT BECAUSE I ENJOY THIS?? Is it because I actually enjoy Standing on the edge... Living with constantly high life stakes... I think I do enjoy it a bit. Maybe more than a bit. Because it really...
a) puts things in perspective.b) ... makes LIFE exciting. √ I don't like that first choice not only because it's (more than) a bit cliché, but really because this is less (not at all) about diminishing bad things, and more (all) about enhancing good things. It's not like "Oh I have brain cancer, I might die soon, that bird shit on my jacket doesn't suck anymore." It's way more like "wow, fresh mountain air smells even BETTER now. How is that possible? (Who cares how, it just does, and I'm not gonna question it, I'm gonna enjoy it.) The point is... living on this kind of knife's edge makes LIVING REALLY WORTH SOMETHING. It makes it easier to feel that. Viscerally. Throughout the day. Like a SPARK: "Hey, I'm fuckin' ALIVE right now!" It makes it impossible to ignore that fact. And that's a pretty good fact, when it's a fact. Of course, all of this works only if your state of being at that particular moment is tilted enough toward the CURED, and less toward THE CANCER PATIENT. And right now, I feel pretty good. And that's lucky. And I know, even with this new news and new treatment stuff coming my way, that my state of feeling pretty good isn't going to downhill anytime soon. I've got some time with this state of feeling pretty good. SO I'M OK. Nay, I'M BETTER THAN OK...
I love those guys.
Oh, and you know what else has had me feeling pretty great (and cured) lately??
All the wonderfully generous donations and comments and emails and offers of help that have been flying our way!
In the past couple of weeks, word has really been getting out, and we have had some pretty wonderful people reaching out to us and offering their time and energy and support, so that is really exciting.
I’ve been working really hard on all this Cancerful stuff you’re seeing for the better part of this year (with some time off in the hospital with a tube in my head and a needle in my spine, although I managed to work both of those into the blog for sympathy 🙂 ).
So to see people like you (YOU!) reacting so emotionally and honestly and generously and (perhaps most importantly for me) understanding what we’re doing here, and what our mission is, and wanting to support that mission… it’s amazing to me. Wonderful and amazing. Honestly, it means everything. It validates everything that we are trying to do, which gives me the inspiration to keep on going. Plus, it helps me get even closer to the point of believing that THIS WAS ALL WORTH IT. (The brain cancer, I mean.)
I already feel that way, to a strong degree. But man, if we can make this movie… that thing’s gonna cure a LOT of people. And then I will say with 100% certainty that I am absolutely glad I got the ol’ brain cancer in my brain. Heck, I’ll say it now.
(I actually just really said it out loud, and it made me smile. And I knew I was being completely honest.)
Because this is fun. And pretty damn meaningful.
Plus, this is way better than what I would be doing right now, if not for the brain cancer. Which is running a multi-national office supplies retail chain in my spare time. Full time, of course, I’d be an astronaut. (Staples on the Moon!)
And speaking of generosity (were we speaking of generosity? I thought we were talking about extraterrestrial office supplies. But anyway…)
We’re doing pretty good! We’re setting up movie stuff and getting Cancer Cards printed as we speak! Cancerful things are rolling!
BUT (here I go again, filthy beggar), we ARE still only 61.33333333333333333% of the way there to our fundraising goal for this year. And no one likes repeating decimals.
Especially Dutch. And the Dutch.
So how about we shut down that Irritatingly Infinite Three, and get some more CancerfulCa$h in the coffers?? Wouldn’t it be something else if by the end of the day we were up to something like… a nice honest percentage like 75%? I mean, who doesn’t like being three quarters of the way there? Then there’s only 1 quarter left! That feels way more doable than being 0.666666666666666 away from the goal– because those 6’s will just keep on going forever and ever, so you’re never really gonna get there, you’re always gonna be an infinite number of Irritatingly Infinite Three‘s away!
So please help make our numbers less annoying & Click here to give us a kick us up at least .067 %! Or even better (or at least just as good) if you’ve already donated and aren’t into fractions, tell somebody you know about how awesome it is what we’re doing, and ask THEM to chip in a couple hundredths of a percent! Just a few hundredths of a percent!! And if they like both cancer AND math, they’ll be sure to get us closer to that last quarter! (And if they get confused and only donate an actual quarter, that’s OK too. But then you might want to question their supposed expertise at math.)
So that was my Blog From The Past (well, only a week and a half ago), which is actually still completely relevant. I’m not at the hospital right now, but I AM going there tomorrow (just a little Hu chat-n-hug, nothing major).
But most importantly,
YES, I AM ENJOYING THIS!
How about that!
Last (and least) here is a MINOR BRAIN-ETC. QUESTION-ANSWERING STATUS UPDATE:
– The Eagles finally won, so that helps too.
– No, despite what you might have heard, I am not pregnant. I just have cancer.
– I am back in LA (for a couple weeks now), not in a hospital in some random other state.
– And I’m feeling pretty good and getting lots done. Hooray!
– I started on the chemo (Temodar) again last week, and as I suspected it’s not
bothering me a bit. Hopefully it’s bothering my cancer, at least a little bit. That’s all I need, because I only have a little bit of cancer.
– The first Cancer Cards are coming REALLY soon, so if you want one (or a whole bunch) give us a shout here or on thecancerful.org website and we’ll make sure you’re playing them ASAP! (But not to cheat your friends out of paying your fair share of the bill. Unless they would think that’s funny, in which case go for it. It’s your call how to use your new Cancerful powers.)
Thanks everybody and goodnight! Let’s wake up to some less-decimally donation numbers! (And if you can get PayPal to let you donate an amount with an infinite repeating decimal, we will be really impressed.)