I’m leaving the hospital!

Which means I’ve been in the hospital.

Which may come as a surprise, since I have not updated this blog on my most recent brain-chancering.

But luckily I have been reprimanded about this enough (even by people I have never met– how Cancerfully awesome is that?) that I now sit on the edge of my hospital bed — my bed (and desk, and table), for the last week, with my bags packed, hammering out the first few sentences of this post, to force myself to get it done.

Because sometimes you have to force yourself, to get it done.

I was reminded today that sometimes you have to have to force yourself, just to stay alive.

And that’s not always easy.

But typing is easy.  At least it is when you’ve got something to say.  And I’ve got things I should have already said.

Like, I’m gay.

No I’m not.

I’m the Prince of Paris.

I’m not that either, but I now hope to be some time in the near future.

And it’s important to have goals.  Things to look forward to.

Like being in my home with Dutch de Dog in less than an hour (knowing me, 2 hours).

Either way, this post will be written, Thy Will Be Done.

And Hallowed Be Thy Name.

(What an awesome thing to say to someone.  Next time i see my friend_______ (whoever books their name in that spot first will get this treatment next time I see them. Go!)

Next time I see my friend ________ and we’re saying goodbye, I will say:

“Later, _____!  Thy Will Be Done!  And Hallowed Be Thy Name!

I bet if you’re the Prince of Paris you get that from people every freakin’ day.  Now THAT is living’, my Cancerful friends.

I bet if you’re the Prince of Paris, your new Jewish Mother (did you know I have my own official Jewish mother now!?!   Like I needed one– my own mother is Jewish enough, even though she’s not Jewish at all.  She thinks.)  I bet if you’re the Prince of Paris, your new Jewish Mother wouldn’t say that too you.  First, it’s way too Catholic a thing to say.  And you know what she also definitely wouldn’t say to you?  Something my wonderful new Jewish mom just actually said to me while reprimanding me for not updating my blog?  “You Son of a Bitch!!”   (sorry Lynn! 😉

She was of course kidding.  And of course she wouldn’t say that, because then she’d just be calling herself a bitch. Assuming she has fully accepted me as her Actually Catholic Jewish Son.

But I’m getting off track (of course.  Hence the 2 hours.)  So allow me to pause and stand up and move toward the door, which is closer to…

MY HOUSE. ABOUT SIX HOURS LATER.

And finishing this post.  With relevant medical information, not just mildly hilarious religious jokes.  So here it is!

WHY I WAS JUST IN THE HOSPITAL:

So on Friday, the same kooky random thing happened to me that happened back in late August, at my sister’s house in Jersey.  Which is to say, I suddenly got this weird high fever, and basically passed out.  This time though, on my own bed.  Which was nice.  But again, when somebody (this time my lovely friends downstairs) came to check on me, they couldn’t really wake me up.  I was MegaGroggy™, and apparently somewhat ornery about going to the hospital.  But they (smartly) got me there anyway.  Turns out I had a fever… for going back to the hospital!  Luckily, this time that meant MY hospital, where MY doctors live ( in little healing caves filled with magical science crystals) which was a major relief, and allowed me to get far more involved in my treatment, and to push things a bit harder so I could get home in 4 days, not 4 weeks.  And so here I am, home!  And feeling much better, thank you.

SO WHAT’S ACTUALLY GOING ON WITH MY HEAD?

    • Again, this remains mostly a mystery.  All signs / symptoms looked to the docs here (as they looked to the docs in Jersey) like meningitis– a word that freaks people out because it’s usually caused by bacteria or infection in the brain, and it often kills people.  In this case (like back in august) they tested the bejeezus out of my spinal fluid, or CSF (that stuff I’ve been producing way too much of, to the extent that it was spraying out of my temple for awhile, and I was bottling & selling it at a hipster Juicery in Silverlake.
    • So again, they started treating me with lots (LOTS!) of antibiotics, which is the safe thing to do even if you’re not sure that the meningitis is caused by a virus or bacteria.  And again, they’re testing my CSF and not finding any bacteria or viruses in there, which is good.  But bad in the sense that we have no idea why this is happening. I could be a result of the Uncommon Cold Clinical Trial that I Was involved in– which was specifically designed to get your immune system fired up & fighting, even if you don’t have a real infection.  And then to kill cancer cells instead, while it’s looking for something to fight.  So maybe that’s what happened (or is still happening).  We’ll probably never know.
    • Currently though, I am feeling a lot better.  Close to normal(ish).  Which for me, is good.  I’m on a bunch of antibiotics, and as they test for and eliminate different bugs that I don’t have, they eliminate more of the antibiotics I’m on.  I’m now down to 3, which I am able to administer at home, thanks to these awesome little portable IV medicine balls that allow me to be home, or wherever I want to be, not on IV pumps at the hospital 24 hours a day.  Which is awesome.
    • Medicine Balls!

      Medicine Balls!

    • I’ll be on these guys for a few more days, so I’m taking advantage by heading out to the desert to another National Park this weekend, to retest my theory that US National Parks are one of the most powerful cancer-curing agents out there.  This theory was bolstered, in fact, by a quick trip through TWO national parks last weekend, that I’d never been to, that totally cured the shit out of me with their big weird beautiful 2,200 year-old trees…Giant Sequoias are more powerful (and taller) than chemo!
    • I mean, look at that Cancerful guy’s face!  Sure, it looks pretty porky (from the steroids and un-restrained chocolate consumption), but it also looks pretty cured, don’t it?  That’s because it was, and is!  When your back is resting against a tree that’s older than the bible, and you’re surrounded by that much majestic LIFE, you don’t really give a shit about cancer.  And I didn’t, when those pictures were taken.

Kings Canyon Cures Cancer!

And I still give less of a shit about cancer, a week or so after these photos were taken.  So yes, I’ll say it again: National Parks Cure Cancer. And we at the Cancerful Foundation will be exploring this theory more, in the very near future.  So stay tuned!  We’re gonna eat some Joshua trees, this coming weekend!  Which will make us both fatter, AND more cured!

  • Ok so there it is.  Hopefully I’ve explained things semi-sufficiently enough that my various extremely caring and wonderful mothers will stop yelling at me and calling themselves names in the process.
  • If you still have any questions, please send them along.  But that’s pretty much it.  AS FOR MY ACTUAL CANCER: it’s still there, but not really growing much.  We’re gonna start on some new chemo (one that i mentioned earlier, which is pretty cool & not scary, and which I’ll explain more in a forthcoming post.  I PROMISE, MOMS!)
  • But the most important thing going on is this: I was alive today, ALL DAY.  And it was fun.  I’ve learned that being alive is actually one of the best cures there is.  Especially when you’re paying attention to the wonderful things around you–  things like that tree behind me, which is one of the biggest living things on earth. (To give you an idea of how big: the trunk is about 40 feet in diameter, and the lowest branch is 100 feet off the ground.)
  • And guess what?  I’m gonna be alive again tomorrow!  And I’m going to see some friends that I love, some very old and some very new.  Look at all this wonderful stuff, just waiting to happen because I’m doing my best to stick around and be there for it!  And even that can be hard to get done.  Just sticking around. But I’m doing it!  And it’s working.  And it’s worth it.  I don’t regret a second of it.  Well, maybe the decision to eat the first 37 feet of that Sequoia for dinner.  I should have stopped after the first few feet, but the steroids make you really ravenous…
    • Ooo, now that I’m thinking about it, I gotta remember to bring  some Worcestershire sauce to Joshua Tree.  And a nice Pinot.
  • Goodnight friends, and thanks for reprimanding me to keep on blogging – that means it means something to people other than myself, which helps me keep doing it.  And I like doing it.  Always makes me feel better.
  • As proof: I feel better now than I did six hours ago.  Which might also be because I just pooped a 30 foot tall sapling into my toilet.  (Does anyone in the 90026 have a water-tolerant chainsaw they can lend me?)

Oh and by the way, our fundraising efforts have been pretty successful, and we thank you for that.  But this wouldn’t be the New Cancerful Chad if I wasn’t making poop jokes while ALSO asking for money, so if you’ve got it in you (saplings, mulch, etc.) maybe consider dropping a few bucks @ the Cancerful Foundation’s donation page so we can do a few things we want to do and don’t have enough cash right now to do (because running to brain surgery isn’t cool enough to make all your fundraising dreams come true).  Here it is again:

PEOPLE WITH CANCER LOVE DONATIONS BECAUSE IT HELPS THE CANCERFUL FOUNDATION TAKE THEM TO NATIONAL PARKS TO CURE THEIR CANCER!