I’m starting to feel a little objectified. It’s like, no matter what I want to talk about, people are always trying to get me to show them my scans. As if they were the only attractive thing about me. I mean, they’re just scans. I’ve got SO much more to offer than my stupid MRI results!
(You know, these babies. I admit, they are pretty sweet…)
(Do they look too big? Are they distracting? Should I cover them up more?)
Because listen… what I really wanted to talk about today was the idea that all this renewed interest in cancer cell metabolism has a lot of potential, and is really probably neither a silver bullet nor the pseudo-science that some people–
Excuse me! Are you even reading what I’m writing? Or are your eyes still fixated on–
Hey! STOP STARING AT MY SCANS!!
OK. You back with me? Thank you. Don’t make me cover them up, please.
Sometimes I just want to use this blog to have a nice conversation, without everybody foaming at the mouth over “what happened with your MRI Chad!?” and “tell us about your MRI Chad!”
Can’t we do that? Can’t we just talk about what I want to talk about sometimes? And sometimes I don’t want to talk about MRI’s. Sometimes I need to take a break from thinking about–
“Hey Chad! Show us your scans!!“
Ugh. So much for that idea. Alright, FINE! Here you go…
Big enough for you??
I mean, I know how important MRI’s seem. How hard it can be to stop thinking about them.
Sometimes I find myself staring at them, even though they’re my scans.
That’s one pretty hot scan, if I may say so myself.
But seriously, they’re just scans. They’re not that exciting. I mean, personally, there are a lot of things I find more interesting and exciting than the results of my latest MRI. For example, all the wonderful things we’re doing with the Cancerful Foundation! (We’re curing cancer, for godssakes! One moment at a time!)
But seriously, what’s the big whoop with the MRI’s!? Why is everybody always so worried about the MRI’s?
Oh wait I know! It’s because it’s the best way to figure out if I’m gonna die!
I realize this is putting it very bluntly, but it’s true! I mean– people don’t worry about MRI scans because it tells them if they can get a better deal on their car insurance. It’s about death!
Well, this makes more sense to me now. I guess if it’s about death, then that seems like a reasonable thing to be worried about.
But waaaaait a second… there’s still something that I don’t get:
Don’t we already know that I’m gonna die?
I’m not actually asking you that– I guess I’m just looking for confirmation. Because it was my understanding (and I was pretty good in science class) that I definitely am going to die. I’m pretty sure I’m right about that. Right?
Yeah! I’m totally gonna die! I mean, we all are!
(And I’m pretty sure I’m right about that too.)
So what the hell are we all worried about!? It’s like– The Most Foregone Of All Conclusions! I mean, we don’t know when it’s gonna happen, but it’s gonna happen at some p–
Wait a second.
That’s what this is all about. When.
It’s the when that we’re worried about.
OK good– I think I’m figuring this out:
So, everybody’s knows that we’re all going to die– me especially– we just don’t know when it’s going to happen. And we don’t like not knowing when, because we don’t like surprises when it comes to death. And this is where the scans come in! Because if we can see it coming, then…
Then we’ll be better prepared for it?
But if we’ve already agreed that we already know that it’s going to happen, then why aren’t we already prepared for it?
I know why– because we don’t want to think about it.
This frustrates me, because I don’t have a choice– I have to think about it. A lot. And not because I particularly love or am fascinated by the subject of death– I have to think about it simply because I have to spend so much of my time every day doing all sorts of things to avert it.
It’s kind of a full time job for me, avoiding death. I guess technically it’s a full-time job for all of us (it’s why we eat, after all ;) ) it’s just a little more obvious (and less delicious) when you’re Cancerful. There’s a lot more pills. And surgeries. And scans.
I’m sorry this post has taken such a turn for the morbid, but morbidity has kind of been following me around for the last four years. And sometimes it’s just nice to talk about it. And maybe make a few jokes about it. Because it’s there anyway– we’ve all agreed on that– so why not?
I have a sneaking suspicion that talking about things, and joking around about things, makes it easier to accept things. And accepting things makes it easier to not worry about things. And not worrying about things gives you more time in your day to do fun things. Like ice skating. And eating cookies. Or ice skating and eating cookies at the same time!
But I’ve gotten off track. (I tend to do that.) Here I am talking about death and ice skating and cookies, when really what you come here for is Inspiration and MRI results! And I haven’t given you either.
So how ’bout I cut to the cancerful chase, and give you both! Right now! OK, here goes!
My last MRI was… Hmm. Honestly, I don’t remember much about it.
And I swear I’m not just trying to play it cool, like some kind of Charlie “Cool Cucumber” Peacock.
(Although that would be a hell of a name. With hilarious initials.)
Nor am I just trying to build suspense, or piss you off (even though I’m aware I may now be doing a little of both). Honestly, I just… wait, what were we talking about again?
the MRI, dummy.
Oh! The MRI! Right.
Honestly, I don’t remember much about it.
Really! I don’t even remember when it was!
All of which is to say that:
A) After 4 brain surgeries (or is it 5?), my memory isn’t what it used to be. And…
B) The MRI itself was unmemorable. I do at least remember that.
Now that is some epic beating around the bush!
But really– the MRI was unmemorable because it wasn’t much different than the one before it.
It was stable, in other words.
And with brain cancer, stability is a really good thing. So it was good!
So there you have it in plain terms: MY LAST MRI WAS GOOD!
“Hooray!” You say.
So why didn’t I say “HOORAY!!!” on here when I had the MRI? (It was kind of a long time ago, now that I think about it.) Why the hell didn’t I post a picture of me with fireworks shooting out of my two upward-pointing thumbs, surrounded by a Celebratory Chorus Line of Leggy Blue Brains, like this one:
a C.C.L. of L.B.B.’s
Well first of all… it would have been a difficult photoshop job. (Although, if anyone wants to give it a shot I promise to post the results along with the results of my next MRI. As long as both are good, obviously.)
But let’s face it– I didn’t need to post a ridiculous picture of myself with a C.C.L. of L.B.B.’s.
I could have just posted the word “GOOD!” and been done with it– everyone would have been satisfied and super happy. (Alright, maybe the word “GOOD” with fireworks shooting out of the G. Feel free to add that to the image, Photoshoppers.)
But I didn’t even do that.
So what the hell is my problem? Why do I have such a hard time being super enthusiastic and fireworky about good MRI results? What am I trying to be, some kind of C.C.C.P., starring in my own primetime animated network special, “You’re One Cool ©ancer ©uring Cucumber, Charlie Peacock” !?
As awesome as those initials are (even better with the Cancerful ©’s), and as much as I would love to have a primetime animated network special about curing cancer in a really ©OOL way, I swear I am not trying to be a C.©.©.C.
So don’t start calling me Charlie “C.©.©.C.” Peacock (or even “C.C.©.©.C.P.”, for short.)
Because I was happy that the MRI results were good. Fireworks did not shoot out of my thumbs, and there were no dancing brains (as far as I could see, at least) but I was happy.
Actually, I think a better word for what I felt was “relieved“…
• Relieved that I don’t have to have any more brain surgeries– for at least two more months! (Two months, brain surgery-free? I’ll take it!)
• Definitely relieved that I won’t (for now) be subjected to any more weird experimental treatments, that might save my life, but might also put me in the hospital three times because they’re so hard-core at attacking my cancer that they also attack the shit out of me. (That happened. And it sucked. I mean, come on! Cut it out! I’m trying to get better here, not worse!)
• Honestly, I was above all relieved that I would have more time to get used to where I’m currently at– to the latest version of “My New Normal.” We’ll call it “My Newest Normal,” and while it’s still pretty shitty (as I hinted at in my last post), it is tolerable enough that given time, I could see myself continuing to shape a pretty decent life despite its pretty shitty conditions. I think I can transform this Newest Normal into a wonderfully Cancerful Life! (That would be a good thing, in case you weren’t sure.)
So yes– I’m happy about the MRI results. Happy that I’m not going to die. Yet! And maybe not for a long time!
And one important note on the MRI thing: I really do appreciate people caring enough to ask me about my scans, because they want to know how I am doing. I don’t meant to make light of that. But I wanted to talk about MRIs, and I thought the “Show us your scans!” joke was a funny way in. (Would’ve been funnier if I had breast cancer instead of brain cancer.) And when I mentioned this subject to a Cancerful friend of mine, she urged me to write about it. Because, as it turns out, this is kind of a common issue for Cancerful people.
So there you have it! We, the Cancerful, are more than the sum of our MRI’s. We ourselves sometimes struggle to remember that our lives aren’t just what happens to take place between scan days– they are our lives!
So this is why I try not to get that excited about my MRI’s– good or bad– and why I don’t immediately post the results on here.
Speaking of which, it took me so long to get around to telling you what happened on my last one, that my next one is… TODAY! If there’s anything interesting or important to report, I will post about it here.
If you don’t hear from me for two weeks, or two months, that’s because I’m busy ice skating and eating cookies at the same time…